The Devil's Dictionary: Tortoise
Updated May 14, 2020 |
Infoplease Staff
TORTOISE
-n.
A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso:
TO MY PET TORTOISE
My friend, you are not graceful — not at all;
Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.
Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl.
Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's
To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.
To look at, and I do not doubt it aches.
As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep.
'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.
'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep.
No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own,
A certain firmness — mostly you're [sic] backbone.
A certain firmness — mostly you're [sic] backbone.
Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews)
Are virtues that the great know how to use —
Are virtues that the great know how to use —
I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole,
You lack — excuse my mentioning it — Soul.
You lack — excuse my mentioning it — Soul.
So, to be candid, unreserved and true,
I'd rather you were I than I were you.
I'd rather you were I than I were you.
Perhaps, however, in a time to be,
When Man's extinct, a better world may see
When Man's extinct, a better world may see
Your progeny in power and control,
Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.
Due to the genesis and growth of Soul.
So I salute you as a reptile grand
Predestined to regenerate the land.
Predestined to regenerate the land.
Father of Possibilities, O deign
To accept the homage of a dying reign!
To accept the homage of a dying reign!
In the far region of the unforeknown
I dream a tortoise upon every throne.
I dream a tortoise upon every throne.
I see an Emperor his head withdraw
Into his carapace for fear of Law;
Into his carapace for fear of Law;
A King who carries something else than fat,
Howe'er acceptably he carries that;
Howe'er acceptably he carries that;
A President not strenuously bent
On punishment of audible dissent —
On punishment of audible dissent —
Who never shot (it were a vain attack)
An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;
An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back;
Subject and citizens that feel no need
To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;
To make the March of Mind a wild stampede;
All progress slow, contemplative, sedate,
And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.
And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State.
O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream,
My glorious testudinous regime!
My glorious testudinous regime!
I wish in Eden you'd brought this about
By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
By slouching in and chasing Adam out.
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